Since the last time I wrote, I had a child, a girl who is very sweet, very lovely, very big and very small at the same time. Now I have very different things to say; new goals to work out, to list, to try on. I like the idea of trying on goals like a pair of jeans. This goal is too small; this goal is too big; this goal is too tight.
With another upcoming job interview, I am again wondering if I want to go back to work. The last interview I had went well. I didn’t get the job but they did throw me a freelance bone. I am freelancing now. That is okay. Still keeps me in sweatpants and a pony tail—there is no glamour, no high heels, no fast-paced office banter. But there is a baby, a sweet baby girl that needs hugs and kisses and play time with her mama (that’s me.)
Maybe not working is a good trade off right now. Every woman I see at the grocery or Target (old and young) tells me to “enjoy” my time with my baby, tells me that it goes by so fast. I find this condescending. I know they mean well; a little advice from another mother. But I do enjoy my baby. How could I not enjoy her? She is hilarious. This time is fleeting an precious. I know this already—thank you for telling me again and again. And yes, you are right, it is going by so fast—so fast that I cannot keep her in tee-shirts, cannot keep her from rolling over, cannot keep her from laughing, and trying to talk, from making new sounds, from smiling at strangers. I still find the true advice a little off-putting. I want to shout “Mind your fucking business! You had your shot. Sorry if you blew it.” Maybe I should see a shrink.
I am making chili. It smells wonderful. Babyface is bouncing in her chair completely amused by Hedgehog and company. Gotta love that old Hedgehog.
Listening to De La Soul Buhloone Mind State.