Thursday, April 26, 2012
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
My default was telling myself that certainly he would get sick of me any day now. He was better off without me. Better leave now, just in case. Some of this is healed as my self-worth grew. Some of it I grew out of. I don't feel this way anymore. History is important.
At a therapy session in NYC, I accidentally said this to my shrink and she flipped out. I was always so terrified to be loved (read: felt unworthy of love) that I would plan a way out. Just in case. I worked through this last time around the couch, but it’s worth mentioning. I no longer plan a way out of a relationship, but I do still look for exits in a room, and have some anxiety about small spaces. I like escape routes, if only for the comfort of knowing.
This song is so cool. I like the idea of putting on shows to make each other laugh. How nice is that? Make me laugh please. This shit is too serious.
I also like the idea of dreaming about your love for years before they show up (again). Romantic, no? Ah, poor little princess trapped in the tower. Too many icons of women locked in towers. Might have to smash the whole shit up.
Monday, April 23, 2012
If only tonight I could curl up on a comfey lap, be held and petted like a baby or nice pup. Anyone want to hold me? If only....
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Friday, April 20, 2012
Things I have learned this week:
Sunday, April 15, 2012
1. Guitar lessons (yes, again. maybe I should have stuck with it, okay? I get it, but I would like to know how to play better than the shit that I try to plunk out in my head.)
2. Stop playing guitar in my head and buy a guitar and play it in real life. Nerds rule. See #4.
3. Steal a nice digital camera—one that has lenses and shutter speeds and apertures and that I can make do what I want it to do. My old manual camera (read: film) is great, but slow. I need a major upgrade. My digital point-shoot is okay but limiting in the manual settings—it’s too automatic. And fuck the iPhone. I need more than snapshots. More control so I can show you what it looks like in my head. (P.S., I won’t steal it, but I am looking for a "steal". But I will think about stealing it, because money is tight--see #4.)
4. Play lotto. If I give up Starbucks once a week. I can buy one lotto ticket and still have money for cigarettes. Save, save. And maybe win, win? Or quit smoking and be a grown up. And save the extra non-coffee money and buy a guitar and a digital camera or you know, college tuition for S. Or maybe I will win the lotto and buy a small house with a porch and then have a garden again and a place to sit. And a room to write in. With a door that locks. And a few windows that open and show me green stuff. I still want to be able to hear the train. [Silly girl, vulnerable, silly girl.]
Friday, April 13, 2012
Do you know any person who's happy? Here's the rub:
1. Most people who say that they're happy wouldn't know happiness if they were sucking Happy off in the men's room. Submissiveness and complacency do not equal happiness; they equal ignorance. Can you have thoughts and a mind and passion and an equal fear of and respect for death/life and the government, and be happy? Is that too much to ask for?
2. Who calls up a friend to say, "Guess What?!?! I am so happy! My life is great. I just called to tell you that."? Unless that statement is quickly followed by this: "I have become a Zombie! It's wonderful. A strict diet of moron brains and carnage. You too can join the Zombie Collation for the low, low price of your soul. You won't be needing that anyway, right?"
3. Do you think that if you were really happy that you would even know it? (then your face will surely show it, if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands, clap, clap.)
I have to go scrub the congealed pork fat from the Crock-Pot because let's face it, we all know you won't fucking do it. Happy Friday.