Saturday, April 21, 2012

Hurry Up and Wait, or Just Effing Chill on It for Awhile

At work this week my motto is Now or Never. It has to be. I have so much to do at work that if I can’t respond to a new request rightfuckingnow, it won’t happen for months. It’s funny that people around the office think I’m “on it”—whatever that means—but truth be told, I am totally in the weeds.

In my non-work life, if you can call it a life, I am waiting for everything. Hurry up and do your stuff and then wait for someone else to do their stuff and hope that all that stuff is the right stuff and how many times can I type stuff? In my life, there is no now and there is no never--just adorable little blobs of ambiguity and uncertainty and maybes---real-life maybes that balance out the certainties of how much fucking work I have to do? Who knows? Float along and pretend not to notice. Sometimes, Dear H, it's okay to be in between. Sometimes, Dear Me, it's okay to just do your job and not work so hard on every little thing in your life. Ok? Right. Keep reminding me of that, will you? Always. 

Back to work please. Put your head down and work. Get it done. Or get fired. Don't fuck up. Ok? So, you ask, “Why are you writing this bullshit and not working right now?” Well, fuck you. That’s my answer. I have to write through the crap sometimes. Crapcrapcrapandturds.

[My inner monologues are turning into conversations. Yikes. That and spelling "turds" is really fun.]

I feel okay today. How’s that? Good question. I ran. I ate well. I am drinking coffee and working. Listening to this:

I super like We Are Augustines and if you haven’t heard them, buy their album. That’s all. 

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