Sunday, April 15, 2012

More and More (Maybe a Love Song)

The train came. It trills. You hear it. I hear it too. That’s how close I am to you. It just is. 

Funny how sometimes proximity makes me happy (especially funny when most of the time, proximity in isolation makes me crazy lonely irate and miserable? Funny funny.)

Blech. Blah. Barf. Working and listening to Metric. Not always sure if I love them or hate them...perfect for today love/hate, hate/love, fuck/run, hide/show, work/work, laugh/play.

“I’m not suicidal—I just can’t get out of bed. I can feel your ghost when I’m alone.”

1.     Guitar lessons (yes, again. maybe I should have stuck with it, okay? I get it, but I would like to know how to play better than the shit that I try to plunk out in my head.)

2.     Stop playing guitar in my head and buy a guitar and play it in real life. Nerds rule. See #4.

3.     Steal a nice digital camera—one that has lenses and shutter speeds and apertures and that I can make do what I want it to do. My old manual camera (read: film) is great, but slow. I need a major upgrade. My digital point-shoot is okay but limiting in the manual settings—it’s too automatic. And fuck the iPhone. I need more than snapshots. More control so I can show you what it looks like in my head. (P.S., I won’t steal it, but I am looking for a "steal". But I will think about stealing it, because money is tight--see #4.)

4.     Play lotto. If I give up Starbucks once a week. I can buy one lotto ticket and still have money for cigarettes. Save, save. And maybe win, win? Or quit smoking and be a grown up. And save the extra non-coffee money and buy a guitar and a digital camera or you know, college tuition for S. Or maybe I will win the lotto and buy a small house with a porch and then have a garden again and a place to sit. And a room to write in. With a door that locks. And a few windows that open and show me green stuff. I still want to be able to hear the train. [Silly girl, vulnerable, silly girl.] 

“all the gold and the guns in the world couldn’t get you off. All the gold and the girls in the world…is it ever gonna be enough?”  Doubt it.  Don’t you want more too? Thought so. Don't we deserve more? More love? More compassion? More depth? 

That’s all. Damn train.

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