Life is short. I need to keep reminding myself of that. You’d think that after all the grief and death in my life that I would know how short it is, but it just slips from my mind so easily. Even really long lives are short inside the scope of our minds.
Would you ever have enough time with your child? Could I get enough of S on her first birthday? Her chubby half-baby/half-toddler body…the way she wobble-walked and shook her diapered bottom to every song on the radio? Could I ever have enough time in that moment? There is never enough time.
Without asking too many rhetorical questions, let me ask one more: do you know how many years of my life I’ve wasted? I spent so much time worrying (what a waste!) And time burnt letting other people drag me down—caring too much what they think or not caring enough how they feel. Too much time thinking and not doing. Thinking myself into paralysis. I missed those opportunities because I thought about it too much. I heard too many critics and not enough encouragement. You can talk yourself out of anything.
Let’s shake that off.
I want to talk myself into this: I am amazing. I am beautiful. I am brave. And strong, and funny, and fun, and fast, and smart (as a whip) and deep, and powerful and soft and quiet and loud and all things (mostly) good and (a few) bad. I feel love and have great potential and great actuality.
Here is what I want for Christmas: Let’s be brave. Let’s show each other and ourselves just how incredible we are! And sad and funny and perfect just the way we are!
Let’s be brave enough to seize up every second of joy and happiness and hold on to each other. We feel and fail and have great promising capacity to love and forgive and heal. We are so lucky and blessed to have health and to have each other.
Have some love and inspiration and joy for the holidays this year. Fuck shopping. Just make cookies and spend some time. Give out love and smiles and hugs. (I know I sound like a hippie, but so what? I’m feeling all of this today.) Give time to your family and time to your friends. Listen to them. Listen to yourself—the quiet self that you always tamp down. This little light of mine….