When I say that I want to smoke pot and listen to Beck what I mean is that I want some long stretch of time to be quiet, and alone, and think my thoughts. And maybe chain-smoke (inside or out), and maybe get lost and maybe be sad or happy or neutral and maybe write some and sing some and let the thoughts bang around as they might---as they might if I had a little bit of time to have to myself 100% alone.
It’s tough where I am in this life, to get that--my mama's brain is full and then some with the details and duties (that I do so well, and mostly that I love to perform.) The pot is just a quicker way to get to the deep, quiet parts, without taking the time to peel away the outer busy layers. Pot (and booze to some extent) removes the immediate/non-important list that constantly exists in my head—that running tally of stuff I have to do, and stuff I’ve just completed, and stuff to buy and stuff to sell and all the “stuff” that a good mama’s brain is overflowing with (comb her hair, make snacks, don't forget your computer, what's for dinner, add toothpaste to the shopping list, two left turns then a right, sign the slip for sunscreen, buy more watermelon, what's for dinner again?)
I really just need a quiet 3 days 100% alone to myself. No dinners, no work, no meetings/calendars/expectations—just some down, down time.
My goal in the next year is to get this for myself. Maybe I can take a vacation alone to the beach or small cabin in Hocking Hills to get some me time. Sssshhhhh, I’m thinking.