As I got older, we moved a lot. I had one or two friends that were close and not much more. In high school there were a lot of branches of friends, some closer than others, but the main unit of my connection was one friend.
College was similar, except that boyfriends filled the role more often than not. I always wanted to be married and have a big family. I crave the connection, the chaos. Age and death has altered my capacity to have a big family.
I remember watching Eight Is Enough and The Brady Bunch and wanted to have a family like that. Then came Dawson's Creek and Sisters and Friends. Later The Sopranos. And now Parenthood. I ache for the community, the support, the love that comes from a true family--a family that can disagree and still love, that can fight and make up, but mostly I want to be part of a family that has numbers. More people to love, more to fight with, more to take sides...with only two, if one person disagrees then you're stuck with a draw. There's no one to weigh in, no one to give counsel.
Then came SAMCRO. It's doing a number on me. I get now why all the loners, the disenfranchised, the left-behinds, and abondoned people become bikers. It's the pack. The safety. The family. (I know that's just tv, but the draw is the same, to belong.)
In Parenthood, I don't want to be Zeke. I want to be one of the sisters. A sister with a few brothers, a few sisters and sisters-in-law, a mom, a dad...I want to be sandwiched in that tribe. To be surrounded and protected and loved.
I want to have that Gemma moment at dinner where I see all my family talking and laughing and eating and loving each other.
I'm not longing but planning. I want to build my life into that picture. It doesn't seem to matter if all those faces are blood or friends. It's time to build the commune. Who's in?
[this entry was typed on my phone. I will edit later. xx]