Friday, September 27, 2013

The SAMCRO Commune at My House (Coming Soon)

I grew up as an only child in a single-parent household. When I was very young we lived with my grandparents and that gave me two more people to look after. And I have two close, rowdy first cousins that share most of my childhood experiences in tandem. 

As I got older, we moved a lot. I had one or two friends that were close and not much more. In high school there were a lot of branches of friends, some closer than others, but the main unit of my connection was one friend.

College was similar, except that boyfriends filled the role more often than not. I always wanted to be married and have a big family. I crave the connection, the chaos. Age and death has altered my capacity to have a big family. 

I remember watching Eight Is Enough and The Brady Bunch and wanted to have a family like that. Then came Dawson's Creek and Sisters and Friends. Later The Sopranos. And now Parenthood. I ache for the community, the support, the love that comes from a true family--a family that can disagree and still love, that can fight and make up, but mostly I want to be part of a family that has numbers. More people to love, more to fight with, more to take sides...with only two, if one person disagrees then you're stuck with a draw. There's no one to weigh in, no one to give counsel.

Then came SAMCRO. It's doing a number on me. I get now why all the loners, the disenfranchised, the left-behinds, and abondoned people become bikers. It's the pack. The safety. The family. (I know that's just tv, but the draw is the same, to belong.)

In Parenthood, I don't want to be Zeke. I want to be one of the sisters. A sister with a few brothers, a few sisters and sisters-in-law, a mom, a dad...I want to be sandwiched in that tribe. To be surrounded and protected and loved. 

I want to have that Gemma moment at dinner where I see all my family talking and laughing and eating and loving each other. 

I'm not longing but planning. I want to build my life into that picture. It doesn't seem to matter if all those faces are blood or friends. It's time to build the commune. Who's in?

[this entry was typed on my phone. I will edit later. xx]

Thursday, September 26, 2013

The Plague, Love & Death, and Other BS (As If You Needed Another Pep Talk?!?!?)

There was a man who lived on my street (at 543) and he was old and kind and waved to me every day. He sold his car. Then, his son came to stay with him on weekends. Now his house is empty and for sale. I know he’s not coming back. But I just wanted to send a little shout out to him (whoever he was) and I hope he finds comfort in the afterlife and rests in peace.

We can’t avoid the reaper.

Yesterday, I saw my neighbor Charlotte and said, “Hi Charlotte, how are you?” Pretty typical conversation. Charlotte said, “Hanging in there, I guess.”  I just smiled and didn’t ask…not touching that sad sack of an answer with a 20 foot pole. Eeyores everywhere, man. 

How grim…how fucking awful. This is our only life—that we know of—and even if there is a great beyond, this is my reality now, my consciousness is here, now, I owe this life my attention. I don’t want to hang onto my life. I want to caress my life, brutalize my life, love my life, fight with myself, kick my life around, feel things big and small and not just suffer through it, not just grab on and hang in there. My life isn’t taking me for a ride…I’m here too, right? Is it not my life? I am driving. 

Just like happiness is a choice, so is how you live your life. Choose to live it. Don’t let it drag you around. Don't be a fucking Eeyore.