Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Vagazzle: My Vagina Rant (Rated R)

Dear Vagina,

Why do you look so old? What happened? Wait, wait, don't tell me…I don't want to know.

Is there anything wrong with wanting a new vagina?  I think it's time we break it off. You are too old and wrinkly and have too many flaps and folds. I've outgrown you. Your lips look like a turkey's gizzard or maybe like a big-mouth bass with gray whiskers. I am all done with you. It's you, not me.

Sorry for the public (and private) humiliation. I owe you one.

Yours always,


Note to Readers: I dare you to go get a mirror and give your old girl a long look.

What does your old bag look like? In my head she's pink, and plump, and pretty--all things that girls are told to be. The reality is gruesome and depressing. Does every girly part of my body have to decline into ugliness? Can't my vagina stay pretty and young?

Age is cruel to all of us, but no one ever told me that even my most private, (usually) protected, womanly part would also suffer the ravages of Father Time--that mean, old, swinging-dick, bastard--STAY away from my box, Mother Fucker!

Maybe it's my fault entirely…all the abuse that I've subjected her to. Poor dear. All those tampons, yeast infections, thong underwear, and GYN exams, dildos, vibrators, and that pink machine with the attachments. Don't forget the ugly cocks: young and old, clean and (oh god) dirty, crooked and straight, big and small. Dicks are always ugly. So there's that. At least my pussy was pretty once.

Maybe it is time for a Ginaplasty, or a Vagiotomy. Can I get a new cunt? Mine is too wrinkly. Can I get a cuntectomy? I will go in for a tummy tuck and have the doctor lift the whole back (and front) 9. This fuzzbox needs more than an "extra-stitch."  I'm talking the full works: lift, tuck, cut and fold, dye, bleach, wax, pluck and Botox that glory hole back to her former and pinkest, most virginal look. Let's Joan Rivers this bitch.

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