Since the past isn't going anywhere any time soon, let's focus on the present.
I'm moving into a very positive, optimistic, and honest time of my life--can you see it? (I think I'm radiating.)
And this is a quick cautionary tale: please curb your negativity toward me. If you come at me all "woe is me" and sad sack and dirt-kicking, don't want a solution, everything is shit, well, then, I might jet, I might have to shut it down.
There is no malice here. I will want to kvetch with you, but not now. I know, it's not completely fair, in some way, because you've been here with me during all the transitions, and transformations, and long, horrid periods of stasis. Let me say right now on the record that I'm am deeply grateful. Thank you for your careful time and consideration. I am blessed.
And as soon as I get some balance on this new happier scale of mine, I will come and sit and listen to all your troubles. But for now, I need some of my own company--as the queen is wont to do. It's time for me to lift it up. You won't hold me back, brother. I won't let you. Love isn't the question of this day, or rather, if love is the question today it's about self-love and not about me giving any of y'all the everything that I always give (S is the constant and appropriate exception.) If you make me feel bad about myself, you can hit the bricks. Don't look back. If you need too much from me, I'm taking a break. If you can't really share your emotions and logics with me, and hear mine, then I'll see you another time perhaps. I deserve you to be all in. I am worth every last drop of it. I'm trimming the fat. I'm focused. There is no room for half-heartedness or malice or bullshit.
For now, I'm drilled down. I'm focused on experiencing the present. Reacting less, pro-acting more. There is an immeasurable clairvoyance involved when focusing on the present. Without trying too hard, it's like you can see the future just a touch in the periphery, while being very grounded in the now. Both feet. Both hands.
And you thought I wasn't a hippie---always keep you guessing, hun?
Metaphysical lingo aside, I'm focused on what my life is like. I'm focused on having gratitude and making space to be grateful every single day for many moments. I'm focused on how to love, support, and honor my daughter's spirit and my own. I'm grounding down into the core of myself to unearth and shore up my truths. I know me. (Ok, so maybe I forgot for a while, it's true, but I'm back. I'm right here. See?)
Soon enough after being well grounded and feeling back to myself, I will spiral up and get all out there again with the kites and birds and love and music and puppies and children and rainbows, but for now, thank you and you may want some sunglasses, yo, this shit is bright.