I am making space to feel the blessings that I receive today (in no order):
- health, mine and S's
- physical mobility and range of motion--the miles that I walked
- love of my child
- love for my child
- Spring, sunlight, warmth, air, light, sunlight twice
- my people: RW, DEW, TW, TGD, EA, MM, RB, JC, JC, MH, BH, CH, TH, MBS
- presence of mind
- red pandas playing in trees
- doing man-stuff myself, otherwise known as "not being a lily"
- making it through this day
Next, moving toward grounding, but no where near that yet---writing out the shit.
I am swirling with so much to think today. Let me work this out.
- Today, I feel bad at every thing. I felt as if I failed at parenting, at work, at being present with and for myself, at being a friend, at being supportive for the ones I love.
- Why am I so hard on myself, while I can be so understanding of others? Why am I so understanding with some people, and so critical of others?
- I judged the shit out of myself today and it felt terrible. I hurt my own feelings today. I had no compassion for myself. Hating me? Join the weird ass club. YUCK, right? Why do I feel better when I beat myself up, just a little (or hell, a whole lot some days)--how does that help me? How does it hurt? Please don't answer the rhetoricals.
- I also judged a woman who was behaving very, very badly. Do I hate her too? No. I feel sorry for her and wish that her hurt and lifetime of pain wouldn't spill out into my life. I would help her if I could, but I didn't have any juice left to give today.
I can't even get to the how to do better part yet. I need to sit with this shite for a night or two. The only way for me to ground out is by letting this out. I put it here so I don't forget. It's more permanent once I hit Publish. I will breathe. I know this is a safe space for me--I do know that I've created that here for myself. Trust in me. (Just reminding myself, I think.)
Need to work on my own reserve and level up the juice.
These are just some notes from a weird day. Tomorrow is not today. Tomorrow.