Friday, April 3, 2015

Last Night

It is the last night that my husband and I will sleep in the same bed. Exhaustion drove us to sleep. Working hard, packing, organizing, sifting through nine years of our lives together. Pillows divided us on separate sides. Although the rhythms of breaths and sleeping shifts were somehow still familiar, the things missing in us were almost palpable, like a third person joined us on the ridge of dividing pillows, a chaperone.

It's nothing like the first time we slept in the same bed. A night long ago when I had hope. Hope that I could be happy. Hope that I could stop running and being so wild (untamable at the time), hope that I could escape a legacy of assholes, control freaks, intense men who wanted to change me, who wanted to own me, to tame me. D was nothing like that. We held hands some and talked (I talked) and I had hope.

Our marriage is over. This is the last night that we will spend in bed, the last night that we are truly married. That hope that I held as a young woman in my 20's is hope fulfilled.

We learned so much from each other. I feel blessed to have lived this life and these years with D. We made another person who is the most amazing creature on Earth (don't even try to mess with a mother's bias.) My daughter is a gift to us all. She will be loved and supported and lifted up always by both of us. I have never doubted this even through the end of our marriage. We stayed focused on her and her needs, well above our vanities and egos, as it should be. We let love rule here. It worked. (Compassion and foresight wins every time.)

D is a prominent teacher in my life. A man who gave me hope, let me live, allowed me the space to grow and mature into the person that I always meant to be. His quiet support gave me room. I can't say what I've taught him, that's for him to say, but we managed through all this still friends.

I leave this marriage with love, honor, and respect for D and for our union. I leave this space with gratitude and compassion. I'm sorry it is happening, but very honestly, I wouldn't change a thing. We are our own path through this part of our lives. It's been a lot of things, but nothing that I regret in the end.

If I can will anything in this world through writing it, it's this: May D have all things that bring him joy and love and peace in this world. He will always have a friend, a support, and a champion in me. This end is just the beginning.

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