Sunday, February 28, 2016

Magic H Ball

I'm diving in. Reading, researching, writing--study, practice, meditate, repeat. My body is getting stronger. My mind too. Imagine me, but smarter, kinder, more centered, grounded. Me focused.

I still feel like a hot & sweaty, snot-bubbling, no-pants spaz. I feel this way less and less. Just sayin' so you feel okay here too--it's not all the way to the top on day one--takes some time to transform into yourself.

I'm softening into the fleshy person that I am now. Parts of me died. Parts are being reborn. Other parts are steely and toughened. Some still are raw, new, delicate. I am building my fire. But the earth around my fire is sweeter than ever, more aromatic, forgiving, welcoming.

Not all of my writing will be metaphors. And alas, neither is this.

I will not fight my power any more. I will not fight my sweetness. Acceptance. That's what I'm learning. I am learning to love and accept myself, just as I am, right now--in this body both soft and strong, in my moments of frustration & anger, in my quiet uneventful day-to-day driving-around-town moments and in the crazy rage-y cage-y getmethefuckouttahere moments--I love, accept, and honor me.

It's resignation of and surrender to all of me: my power, faults, flaws, fuck ups, bad choices, shoulds, could-haves, shining glorious moments, perfection, weaknesses, all of the good, bad, and indifferent stuff that I am made up of--I just decided to love me the way I am. (The same way that I write about how LOVE is--the same way that I LOVE my kid.)

It's like when they say in the movies that admitting you have a problem is the first step. Almost all of my blog is about me admitting that I have a problem and taking brutal inventory of each thing that I missed/ended/destroyed. I was working through all this shit, trying to make peace with something that I couldn't quite put my finger on. What's wrong with me? How can I fix it? How can I change me? How can I change you and the world and my job and my body and Facebook and my past?

I made amends. I worked through so much of my anger and fear (but those emotions are still present and pop up whenever I'm not looking.) And I asked myself (and you) over and over again, so now what? Now what do I do? I thought through all this and dredged up the past and the present, sifted through it, made peace and made sense and made closure. And now what? That's what I kept asking.

The one thing I couldn't/didn't figure out was that anger and fear still exist. None of my growth/change made any difference.  Change, change, change, change. Why do I need to change?

I don't need to change, instead I will love, accept, and honor myself: my feelings, thoughts, movements, ideas, emotions, distractions, motivations--I will let me have all of the things. It's not happening overnight. It can't. It's like a minor shift inside that allows it all to flow. I am in transformation. Sounds like "change" doesn't it? Well, it's not. Not the way I mean it. Outlook good.

I still have all the things about my personality, my demeanor, my life, my loves and passions and crazies. It is certain. I will no longer spend time and energy fighting. It's treating myself like I treat S on my best parenting days. Listening to her. Respecting how she feels, what she wants. Helping her get there. Holding her hand when she's unsteady. Loving her limitations. Making room for her feelings and weaknesses and sadness. Loving myself in the way that I love the person that I love the most without a doubt.

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